I remember a Tuesday morning about four years ago, back when I thought I had this whole "management" thing completely figured out. I was sitting in a cramped, glass-walled conference room that smelled faintly of whiteboard markers and stale coffee. I was pushing my team hard on a project deadline. I was being direct, fast-paced, and (in my head) incredibly efficient.
Then, I saw it. One of my best project managers just… stopped. They didn’t argue. They didn’t fight back. They just shut their notebook, leaned back, and went silent.
In my mind, I thought, “Wow, they’re being really difficult and passive-aggressive right now.” On the flip side, as I found out much later, they were thinking, “Brett is being a total steamroller who doesn’t care about the quality of the work or the people doing it.”
We were both "right" in our own bubbles, but we were absolutely failing to resolve the conflict because we were speaking two different behavioral languages. I was leaning into my natural "D" tendencies, and they were retreating into their "S" space. If I’m being honest, it took me a long time to realize that conflict isn't usually about the work, it’s about the way we work.
That’s where DiSC comes in. It’s not just a personality test you do once and file away in a drawer (which, yikes, I’ve seen happen way too often). It’s a tool for conflict resolution. If you’ve ever felt like you’re hitting a brick wall with a team member, here’s how I’ve learned to use DiSC to break those walls down: without the demolition crew.
Understanding the Map
Before we dive into the steps, we have to look at the layout. Think of it as a compass for human behavior. In the DiSC world, we look at four primary styles:
- D (Dominance): Top Left. Fast-paced, task-oriented, direct.
- i (Influence): Top Right. Fast-paced, people-oriented, enthusiastic.
- S (Steadiness): Bottom Right. Slower-paced, people-oriented, supportive.
- C (Conscientiousness): Bottom Left. Slower-paced, task-oriented, analytical.
When conflict hits, we usually revert to our "factory settings." I’m a "D," so I get louder and faster. An "S" might get quieter and more cautious. When you understand this map, you stop seeing "difficult people" and start seeing "different styles."
Step 1: Assess and Understand (The "Mirror" Phase)
The first mistake I made for years was assuming everyone handled stress the way I did. To resolve conflict, you first have to know who is in the room. This starts with getting everyone on the same page with a DiSC assessment.
But it’s not enough to just have the report. You have to actually read it. I’ve sat with managers who have a stack of reports on their desk but couldn't tell me if their lead developer was a High C or a High i.
When you know that your High C team member values accuracy above all else, you realize that their "stubbornness" about a project detail isn't them being difficult: it’s them trying to protect the integrity of the work. That shift in perspective is everything. It takes the "sting" out of the conflict.
Step 2: Establish a Shared Language
One of the most powerful things DiSC does is give your team a way to talk about tension without it feeling like a personal attack.
Instead of saying, "You're being way too sensitive," or "You're acting like a control freak," a team using DiSC can say, "I think we’re seeing some 'D' vs. 'S' tension here. I'm pushing for speed, but I realize we need to make sure the process feels stable for everyone."
It creates a sort of "psychological safety net." If I can name the behavior as a style, it’s much easier to fix. We use this language at Solved. all the time because it keeps the heat off the person and puts it on the problem. It’s a lot easier to say, "I'm having a High-i moment and I might be glossing over the details," than to admit, "I’m being flighty and disorganized." (Though, let’s be real, sometimes I’m still both).
Step 3: Tailor Your Communication (The "Flex")
This is the hardest part. It’s called "Adaptive Communication," and it requires you to put your own ego aside for a minute. If you’re a manager, you have to meet your people where they are, not where you want them to be.
Here is how I’ve learned to "flex" during a conflict:
- When talking to a D-Style: Give it to them straight. Don’t bury the lead. Focus on results and what needs to happen next. If you try to give them a 20-minute emotional preamble, you’ll lose them by minute three.
- When talking to an i-Style: Keep it positive. They need to feel heard and valued. If you come at them with cold, hard logic and no "human" element, they’ll feel rejected. Start with the relationship, then get to the issue.
- When talking to an S-Style: Slow. Down. I cannot stress this enough. If you rush an S-style into a resolution, they’ll agree just to keep the peace, but the conflict will simmer underneath for months. Give them time to process.
- When talking to a C-Style: Bring the receipts. They need data, facts, and logic. If you say "I just feel like this isn't working," they’ll ask you "Why?" and "Based on what metrics?" If you don't have the answer, the conflict won't be resolved.
I’ve definitely failed at this. I’ve walked into meetings with S-styles and tried to "D" my way through a problem, only to realize a week later that they were still deeply upset because I didn't give them the space to share their concerns. It’s a learning process... usually a messy one.
Step 4: Recognize the Common Clash Patterns
Conflicts aren't random. They usually follow patterns based on the DiSC quadrants.
The High-D vs. High-S Clash:
This is the "Speed vs. Stability" fight. The D wants it done yesterday; the S wants it done correctly and harmoniously. As a manager, you have to bridge this gap by acknowledging that both speed and stability are necessary.
The High-i vs. High-C Clash:
This is the "Big Picture vs. The Details" fight. The i-style is excited about the vision; the C-style is worried about the three typos on page 42 of the manual. These two can drive each other crazy, but they actually need each other to succeed. I’ve found that the best way to resolve this is to have them define "what success looks like" together before the work even starts.
Step 5: Foster Ongoing Self-Awareness
Resolving one conflict is great, but preventing the next ten is even better. This is why we often talk about why one-off workshops don't work. DiSC has to become part of the culture.
I encourage my clients (and myself, if I’m being honest) to do regular "gut checks."
- "How am I showing up today?"
- "Am I being too rigid (C)?"
- "Am I being too loud (i)?"
- "Am I avoiding the hard conversation (S)?"
When the team sees the leader being vulnerable about their own style, it gives them permission to do the same. It changes the office dynamic from "Who is right?" to "How do we work together?"
The Bottom Line (From a Recovering Steamroller)
Look, I’m still a High D. I still want things done fast, and I still occasionally miss the subtle cues that someone is feeling overwhelmed. But using DiSC has given me a toolkit to fix things when I break them.
Conflict isn't a sign of a bad team; it’s usually just a sign of a team that hasn't learned how to translate each other yet. If you can master these five steps, you’ll find that those "impossible" people on your team aren't actually impossible: they just have a different set of factory settings.
If you’re struggling with a team that feels like it’s constantly at odds, don’t just "hope it gets better." (Spoiler: It won't). Let’s talk about how to get your team aligned. You can reach out to us here to start the conversation.
I’d love to hear: which of the four styles do you find the hardest to "flex" toward? For me, it’s definitely the "S"... I'm still working on that "slowing down" part.
Stay human,
Brett
